I’ve noticed in my own exploration of my inner and outer thoughts it can become extremely easy for me to be what one might consider “pessimistic” and/or “negative.” Let me tell you, the energy I can spend on the negative thoughts and beliefs about my experience is REAL.
Let me tell you a story…
For example, the most recent experience happened a few weeks ago. I was driving home from a day of work and I was very sure about how angry I felt. Which I would now identify as feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I was in the middle of a long day of learning and applying new information and feeling a bit out of control; not really understanding what I was supposed to do. It was a mixture of feeling out of control of my environment, and feeling inadequate to fulfill the duties of which I was given. What an interesting experience to sit with when I was able to stop and acknowledge what was truly happening. I realize that I can feel more comfortable when I am in control of my environment, and knowing exactly what I am supposed to do and taking pride in doing well at it. That feels safe to me, and helps me maintain my identity of “perfection.” When there is disruption to that control, I can loose trust for my ability to navigate it in a compassionate and confident manner. Ya’ll, perfection is exhausting and comes from my own place of insecurity. The strive for perfection often results in abandonment of myself and my experience.
As I am driving home from this workday, I begin to call my mom with tears in my eyes. I am ready to pour out some angry thoughts and share with her about all of the difficult parts of my day and explain why mostly everything about it was crappy and obviously not my fault at all. Luckily for her – and me – she did not answer. It was in that moment that I turned the radio off and continued to drive home, thinking about the events of my day. I began thinking about the beautiful things about the day, and the opportunities that I have to continue growing with new information. I thought about all the lovely people that attempted to help me even though they were also unsure. I began to think about this standard I had set for myself, which was incredibly unattainable and causing some pretty ridiculous stress. I challenged this standard. I self-soothed and talked myself through it and apologized that I had put myself through that. I felt sadness for that standard that I thought I needed to reach, but I understood where it came from. In that moment, I was able to access the reality of my own needs and change the my own narrative.
My brain, body, and presence became lighter and softer that evening. My conversations about my day looked differently that evening than they would have prior to my own self work. I shifted out of that insecure, confused, and assurance seeking mind frame and into a place of peace. This idea of looking for beauty and trusting the self; can truly transform the experience.
Okay – So there are 3. I know they aren’t great and not new. BUT I will start jotting things down and hope to get one more to you. Thanks!
